Kate's Corner

Well it's official. We are off the RE's office on MONDAY! Hopefully we will be starting injections Monday afternoon. I am ready, lets do this! I am interested to hear what Dr. Gloom and Doom has to say about an elective cerclage. I think we are leaning in that directions...I think. As for the progesterone injections, I actually did take daily injections for about 2 weeks with Zoelle. I guess this time around they want to do weekly injections for the majority of the pregnancy. Fine by me. Honestly, I will do what ever is in the best interest of our little one. Anyway...thanks for all of the supportive feedback. I am not one to believe in luck, but I am feeling good energy all around me. I know several of my blogger friends are ready or already made the move to try again. We can do this ladies!!! A March baby would be fabulous! :-)

So our appointment with the high risk OB was just okay. The doctor was really super smart, which I am all for an intelligent doctor. Especially one who is caring for my child. However, I guess I was looking for someone a bit more "lovie-dovie." In the end, I guess that isn't what matters, but for whatever reason, that was how I was feeling. Anyway...so his thoughts: 1.He thinks I could have an incompetent cervix. (join the club cervix, my ovaries are incompetent too!) 2.It could be that my bleeding during pregnancy caused an underlying infection, which in turn ruptured my membranes....which could mean I don't have an IC 3. All of the above The problem is we don't really know. My options: 1. Monitor closely for cervical changes ( was monitor with my pregnancy before and I showed no signs of IC, but okay...monitoring is good) 2. An elective cerclage at 13 weeks as a preventative measure for IC (which I may or may not have) 3. Plus progesterone injections (either way...

The newest member of our family! We adopted a 6 week old Siberian husky from a local shelter. He will be able to come home in about 2 more weeks. He is so stinkin' sweet! We haven't decided on a name, but we have a few in mind. I am going to try to post a poll. My appointment at the MFM went well, overall. I will give you details later, I actually need to get ready for work. Ehhh...work.

Lake Erie, Memorial day 2009 A blogger friend of mine who I met at our support group wrote about being hopeful. Brenna has inspired me to give hope a fighting chance. Tomorrow we are meeting with our high risk OB for a preconception appointment. I have a novel of questions...but most importantly I have hope. I have hope for tomorrow I have hope for new life, the life of baby # 2 I am hopeful for a healthy pregnancy Most of all I am hopeful for a living, breathing full term baby. I love you my sweet Zoe. I miss more then my words can every express.

Yeah...that bus we all like to refer to as bitter...well I own it. Today I am feeling angry and bitter about my infertility. Why can't I just get pregnant the good old fashioned way? If it could only be as easy as "well, we weren't not trying." I just love that one! famous infertility one liners... - just get a bottle of wine and have a good weekend! - don't think about it, that's when it will happen - Oh, you are just stressing yourself out - in God's time - I just don't understand, I am one of those people who get pregnant freakishly easy I am sure there are plenty more where those came from...I just can't bring my brain down to such an insensitive level this early in the morning after a long night at work. So where are we with TTC? Well, as I said before, Tim was recently laid off work. Ugh...sigh. More salt please!! Tim is actually finishing school, and goes back in August, so this summer was the perfect time for us. Now here we are and not for...

Let me start by saying I believe my Zoloft is kicking in ladies! Yesterday morning I got home from work and ran upstairs to proclaim " Tim, I am happy!" I had a wonderfully happy day. It was such a relief to feel sun penetrating through the dark cloud looming over my head. I spoke with my mom on the phone and she immediately knew I was having a good day. My support group even noticed! This morning I am still feeling pretty good...not quite as happy as yesterday, but I will take it. I don't ever expect to be the same person I was before Zoelle died, I accept that. I wouldn't want to be the same person. I do however, want to be able to function...that's a good idea, right? There is hope! Okay...now the dellemia at hand. So last week my SIL announced she was pregnant with their second child at her first child's birthday party (2 years old). The March of Dimes was Saturday, and the family lives in PA so we couldn't make it. They couldn't make it hear eithe...

Sigh....the dreaded question. Being a nurse, I am asked them question by family members frequently during causal small talk. At first I found it more comfortable to say no...I really didn't want to go there. However, I quickly discovered that I feel like I am cheating Zoelle by not acknowledging her. Of course I have a child! Although she may not be living, she is still my child...my very loved, precious, beautiful child. I am curious, if you don't mind sharing, what do you do when this question arises? Now I say, "yes, I have a little girl who passed away January 4th 2009."

My body and mind feel numb. Numb to every thought and feeling, expect my pain and sadness. I can fight this. For nothing else I have faith in myself that although I am lost and consumed with the death of my daughter...I know I can fight this. My mind is fuzzy and my heart continues to break. I wish I felt "normal." Although I can't distinguish what normal truly is for me. I am grasping to the rocks, holding on with my fingertips, but I know my safety line is attached, and I know I am safe. I feel like I am watching myself live my life. I am living from the outside looking in. I ask myself, "what would make me happy?" My daughter, my beautiful Zoelle. My little butterfly lived and died and a part of me died with her. I miss you little one.

One of the angel baby momma's I have met here has been a supporter of mine from my first post. Erica has always said the right things, and never fails to send me words of comfort and love. Erica is currently pregnant with a little jelly bean that is in need of prayers. Please come together and send Erica and her family light, love and prayers. If possible, please visit Erica's blog and let her know you are thinking of her. Hugs to all.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I was so upset, and felt so disconnected to the world. I know it seemed irrational, but I disconnected my facebook,myspace and family forum account. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk to anyone right now. Then we got the call. My SIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Must be nice. Yesterday I felt so fragile and alone, and a phone call like that didn't help. Although, I can't even imagine a good time for such a call. Tim's brother said " I feel really strange telling you this, but...A is pregnant." Or something to that effect...either way he felt awkward telling us. I want to be happy for others, but right now I can't. I simply cannot be happy for anyone, including myself. How could I be happy for anyone if I am so sad? What do people freakin expect!!!!! I know people are going to be pregnant, and even though it doesn't happen to us, people have living babies everyday! Without simulation hormones, and worries...

Yesterday Tim and I went on a one day road trip to Amish country in Ohio. We stayed at this fantastic castle and relaxed! Then today we stopped at some quaint shops and ate lunch at a great local "home cooking" type restaurant. It really was exactly what we needed. Well, back to reality. I am a wreck this afternoon. I feel like I am spinning out of control and there is no one here to catch me. I am so depressed, and overwhelmingly anxious. I miss Zoe. I miss her so much tears stream down my face when I think of her. Tim got laid off 2 weeks ago, we just bought a house...life seems very overwhelming and never seems to give us a break. I feel completely broken. I can't even get pregnant on my own! It's what I am supposed to do as a woman, yet here I am and I am broken. Going through infertility treatments is so expensive, and if I have to go on bed rest like I did when I was pregnant with Zoe...well, we just don't have that kind of money right now. How sad, here wer...

I found this poem on my blogger friend Erica's site. It summarizes so many of the thoughts I have each day. Although the world may not see me as a mother, I know that my arms may be empty but my heart holds the love of my dear daughter, Zoelle Hazel Mirth. I am thinking of all of you. A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,...

Team Mirthful! The March for babies was yesterday and it went really well. We raised $2000 as a team!! We had 17 people walking with us! I feel so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful support system. After the walk, we had family and friends over for a cookout at the house. Overall, I felt pretty good. I was happy to be surrounded by people who understand the pain I endure from losing Zoe. I said to my best friend Angie, "I wish you all were here under different circumstances." She said "The difficult times are most important times to be surrounded by the ones who love you". We have known each other for about 5 years now, and although that isn't a super long time, we have always had a very beautiful friendship. All of the people who came I hold near and dear to my heart. A wonderful friend I met in NYC (when I was a travel nurse) drove out with her husband to walk with us! How awesome. Brian and Mary, friends I went to college with walked with us as well. ...

The last couple of weeks we have been busy, busy new home owners. I have discovered being outside planting, gardening, digging watering and doing all of the glorious yard upkeep is tremendously healing for me. It keeps my mind occupied and allows me to get into my head in a safe place. Sometimes me, myself and I don't get along so well when I am doing nothing at all. I go into the sad places of my thoughts and get lost down a painful path. Being in the sun and working toward a garden of beautiful growth and life gives me hope. This weekend I took Zoe's scrapbook to my parents and showed my grandparents. It was the first time I looked at her album and didn't cry. Not because I didn't miss her or love her...well I guess sometimes it's okay not to cry. Actually yesterday marked the 4th month since she died. I was thinking how fast time fly's now that we are not pregnant. I remember how slowly time passed when I was pregnant...we cherished each hour we could keep he...

It's hard to believe this time last year we were starting our treatments. First 3 rounds of clomid (not a follie to budge). Then onto follistim injections. I have PCOS so I am at super high risk for hyperstim...of course it happened to me. But I was so excited to be pregnant it eased the pain of my colossal ovaries! So here we are one year later, with a precious daughter...who is gone. We are left with only memories and broken hearts. I guess you could say we are back to square one...only a little wiser and a little more cautious ( and of course, parents to our angel baby). I was hopeful I was ovulating on my own, yeah right. That flew out the window. Aunt flo was a no go this month. I should have started my period last week, and last week came and went with no sign of a period to be had. So, I took not one, not two but 3 pregnancy test. (I am in the business of self torture!) BIG FAT NEGATIVE x 3! *Sigh. I guess the upside...at least I haven't lost hope. I had enough hope, eno...