Sometimes I search long and hard to find myself. Where have I gone? I search through this storm of uncertainly with only moments of light to guide my way. Thoughts whirl through my head and flood my heart with painful emotions. I fight this internal battle with myself...and although I know I am supported by those who love me, I feel alone.
I wish I could say that almost 6 months after the death of my daughter it begins to get easier, but it doesn't. I wish I could reassure myself that I will be pregnant again, and next time will be different...but I can't. I don't want to be a bitter old lady who hates the world and hermits away into a dark hole. Truly I don't. But lets face it...the world doesn't understand. I deal with the constant "what am I missing?" feeling looming in my head. It's not a question of what...but a question of who? We all know the answer to such a question...I am missing my daugther, my sweet Zoelle Hazel, who's name means "tree of life."
I aim to be healthy and happy, but my soul feels heavy. I aim to be optimistic but my goal is over shadowed with fear and pessimism. I strive to be understanding and happy for others, but I quickly resort to jealously. Grief have redefined me, and I am no longer the self I used to know. To answer my own question...I know where I have gone. I am traveling a path I never could have imagined...a path of loss and heart ache. A journey where two people in love lose the life they created together...their precious little girl. A journey where a mother's arms are empty and her heart is heavy. I carry guilt...relentless guilt. Zoe was healthy, yet my body rejected her tiny body and delivered here early. Why? I remember when we began infertility treatments and I expressed to Tim that my deepest fear was to go through all of those to have a child who died or was sick. I was so scared that there was some biological reason why I could get pregnant on my own. As if Darwin was sitting in my house reminding me...survival of the fittest! Irrational? Yes! But dammit Darwin, I hope you aren't right!
I am not for sure where this journey will lead me. I want to feel "normal" again, but I can't imagine what normal entails. I take my pregnancy test Saturday, but I am not feeling a good outcome. I simply don't feel pregnant. I am also supposed to go to my brother in laws graduation party Saturday...and I haven't seen any of them since the big pregnant announcement on mother's days. I am so nervous about going...I am positive I will breakdown crying as soon as I see my SIL and her pregnant belly. Not becuase I am upset becuase she is pregnant, but becuase I so desperatly want Zoe to be alive. It's difficult to be social when I am sad and missing my little one so incredibly much.
I wish I could say that almost 6 months after the death of my daughter it begins to get easier, but it doesn't. I wish I could reassure myself that I will be pregnant again, and next time will be different...but I can't. I don't want to be a bitter old lady who hates the world and hermits away into a dark hole. Truly I don't. But lets face it...the world doesn't understand. I deal with the constant "what am I missing?" feeling looming in my head. It's not a question of what...but a question of who? We all know the answer to such a question...I am missing my daugther, my sweet Zoelle Hazel, who's name means "tree of life."
I aim to be healthy and happy, but my soul feels heavy. I aim to be optimistic but my goal is over shadowed with fear and pessimism. I strive to be understanding and happy for others, but I quickly resort to jealously. Grief have redefined me, and I am no longer the self I used to know. To answer my own question...I know where I have gone. I am traveling a path I never could have imagined...a path of loss and heart ache. A journey where two people in love lose the life they created together...their precious little girl. A journey where a mother's arms are empty and her heart is heavy. I carry guilt...relentless guilt. Zoe was healthy, yet my body rejected her tiny body and delivered here early. Why? I remember when we began infertility treatments and I expressed to Tim that my deepest fear was to go through all of those to have a child who died or was sick. I was so scared that there was some biological reason why I could get pregnant on my own. As if Darwin was sitting in my house reminding me...survival of the fittest! Irrational? Yes! But dammit Darwin, I hope you aren't right!
I am not for sure where this journey will lead me. I want to feel "normal" again, but I can't imagine what normal entails. I take my pregnancy test Saturday, but I am not feeling a good outcome. I simply don't feel pregnant. I am also supposed to go to my brother in laws graduation party Saturday...and I haven't seen any of them since the big pregnant announcement on mother's days. I am so nervous about going...I am positive I will breakdown crying as soon as I see my SIL and her pregnant belly. Not becuase I am upset becuase she is pregnant, but becuase I so desperatly want Zoe to be alive. It's difficult to be social when I am sad and missing my little one so incredibly much.
I too feel forever changed. I am not the same person I was before Ella came along. Some parts of me have changed for the better. But, I am also more depressed, fearful, angry, bitter, and insecure.
ReplyDeleteI have also had the thought that maybe some women (me included) aren't meant to be pregnant and deliver their own child. That maybe I'm pushing too hard. But, then I think about all of the women that shouldn't be mothers, that are. It just doesn't make sense.
Still sending you lots of love and good wishes for a happy outcome Saturday.
Same here, I will forever feel changed and brokenhearted for our boys. I had strong, I mean STRONG feelings of "This did NOT work" for us this time around. I still have them. Even though my tests are coming out positive it still is just ... not real to me and I will constantly fear the worst until this baby is in our arms.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I will be thinking about you Saturday and will patiently await your blog
If you aren't already seeing a counselor, I would suggest it. Not because you are doing anything wrong. Your thoughts and emotions are "normal" for someone who has had to suffer what you did. But I feel the same as every word you typed...still and I wish I would have gone sooner to see someone. Maybe I'd be "finding" myself. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just the sad destiny of a deadbaby mama. I feel for you and WITH you because I'm still living the same things. I completely understand how tough it will be to see your SIL and her belly. I wish I could tell you that three months later it will all be better or that getting pregnant will fix it all. Sadly, it hasn't. Nothing will fill the whole in my life that is Gregory. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteFor me it was getting comfortable with the new normal. Not expecting myself to be the person I used to be. It's hard to accept, and it was the biggest hurdle for me to overcome, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I'm Ok with all of the emotional things that will never go away. ((HUGS)) I hope you get good news on Saturday.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you on Saturday! I have a feeling your SIL is as nervous about seeing you as you are about seeing her. But just the fact that you've thought it through, identified your feelings, and categorized them as grief not hatred towards their good news- it's clear that you are ready to greet them. Yes you will probably be insanely jealous, but you are so full of love for others- that will trump everything else!
ReplyDeleteKate, I think Donna stated it really well--there is a new normal for you (for each of us) now. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling differently about things than you used to. You've experienced something life-changing; your perspective on friends/family/future pregnancies/the pregnancies of friends and family...it will always be different now thanks to Zoelle. I had no idea her name meant "Tree of Life", by the way--that's so beautiful! My dad gave me a Tree of Life necklace at the holidays last year and I haven't taken it off--except for showers!--since. I'll have to find out where he purchased it; it's certainly brought us good luck so far, and it would have even more special meaning for you.
ReplyDeleteSame here. I am forever changed, forever different. I want to be happy and see the future as good, but it is a struggle.
ReplyDelete