Kate's Corner

I took my pregnancy test again this morning...BFN. Not for sure what to say about that. I called the RE's office and left a message with the Nurse, hopefully she calls me back soon! The fact I have not started my period I feel like I am left in limbo. Very annoying. Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Grief is an uphill battle, and it seems to be a battle I struggle with day by day...and even hour by hour at times. I think my negative test stirred up some sad feelings which made me face how much I am truly longing for Zoe. Sometimes I just want this to be over...I wish I could get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring our little one home. Sounds easy, right? It's sad really, how many people take such a wonderful gift for granted. I mean really...how amazing is the gift of life ? I find myself grieving for Zoe but also grieving for the loss of my fertility. Infertility is relentless. Once again, I am in the minority...a select group of women who know the woes and frust...

Under the Tree, June edition. It's been fun reading about everyone! Hair Color: Blond e Eye color: Blue Profession: ICU Registered Nurse Relationship status: Married My Favorites: Favorite color: Pink!! Favorite movie: The breakfast club Favorite animal: I am growing quite fond of our Siberian Husky! Favorite store: Walmart (my guilty pleasure!) Favorite childhood memory: Rolling down hills at Kingwood Center with my awesome sister Emily Favorite hobby: gardening, scrapbooking Favorite song/singer: John Mayer Favorite book/author: Hmmm...not sure Favorite school subject: Writing Favorite vacation destination: Well, only ever traveled in USA, but I love going to the Ocean! Favorite food: I love breakfast food! Chocolate chip pancakes, waffles, cheesy grits! Favorite restaurant: Wally Waffle! This or That Coke or pepsi : Coke Beer or wine: Both Coffee or tea: Coffee Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ with pulp! Summer or Winter: Fall :-) I am such a libra! Cats or dogs: Both Salty or sweet: s...

Well ladies...I got a BFN this morning, and although I am upset, I feel more stumped then anything. My period has still not shown up! I ovulated the 11th and 12th (maybe as late as the 13th) so I am not for sure why I haven't started my period or gotten a positive pregnancy test today. I guess there is that very tiny chance it was a dud test...or maybe it is sitll too early (don't think so). I am praying something isn't wrong...I would rather not add anyting on to my reproductive woes. I thought it would be fun to get the digital test that say's pregnant...maybe it was the test. Maybe my hcg level is still too low to detect with the digital. Or maybe it's right....I am just "not pregnant." I am going to call the office tomorrow to see what they think! Ehh...so frustrating.

I just wanted to let everyone know I am not going to take my test tomorrow. Tim went to PA today and will be back tomorrow evening. So, I want to take it when he is here, so I plan to test Sunday. So far...no period and I am 11 dpo!! I hope that is a good sign. I had really contemplated going with Tim this weekend, but for so many reasons it just wasn't the best idea. First and foremost, Sawyer is still recovering from his little intestinal parasite and is finishing his antibiotics. We didn't think it would be the best idea to have him travel for 2 1/2 hours one way and try to manage his puppy potty business in a new place. Not to mention, I am sure the in laws would love puppy diarrhea in the yard during the graduation party! Nothing like little gifts of love! :-) My mom is coming to hang out with me tomorrow. My mom is the most incredible person in the world! (I am sure you are reading this Mom...I love you!) Thankfully my mom is the optimist of the family and keeps us chuggi...

My blogger friend Lea took this beautiful picture in memory of Zoe with wings give to her in memory of her sweet son Nicholas. Simply beautiful. So many of my blogger friends have been amazingly thoughtful. I love all of you! Thank so so much for the beautiful wings, Lea. You are truly wonderful!!

I wrote this poem the day we arrived home from Erie, pa where I delivered Zoe. We were actually visiting my in laws about 2 1/2 hours from here when my water ruptured on Christmas night at only 22 weeks. We were miles from home, completely scared and devastated by what was about to occur. I have tried several times to write down the story...but words cannot express my feelings. I remember the day I wrote this clearly. We picked up Zoe's urn and drove home...a very long, painful drive home to Ohio. I spoke with the minister at the Church on the drive home, she was so very sweet to us. We planned to get together to discuss Zoe's memorial service. That night I wrote her poem...I read it for her at her memorial service. Tim wrote a song for her, Zoe's lullaby. To my love My tiny baby Zoe, my precious tree of life Your skin so fair and fragile, your eyes still blocked from light my kisses touch your forehead, your kisses warm my heart now that I have met you, I wish we'd ne...

Sometimes I search long and hard to find myself. Where have I gone? I search through this storm of uncertainly with only moments of light to guide my way. Thoughts whirl through my head and flood my heart with painful emotions. I fight this internal battle with myself...and although I know I am supported by those who love me, I feel alone. I wish I could say that almost 6 months after the death of my daughter it begins to get easier, but it doesn't. I wish I could reassure myself that I will be pregnant again, and next time will be different...but I can't. I don't want to be a bitter old lady who hates the world and hermits away into a dark hole. Truly I don't. But lets face it...the world doesn't understand. I deal with the constant " what am I missing? " feeling looming in my head. It's not a question of what...but a question of who ? We all know the answer to such a question...I am missing my daugther, my sweet Zoelle Hazel, who's name means ...